It occurred to me as I was driving around today that I haven't performed on stage for 2 years. The last time was for 10 minutes. And before that I did a reading for an ex-theater company. And before that it was 1996 and the only show I was ever in for the company I founded. This is what having kids will do - distort your sense of time.
I miss being onstage. It's a singular experience - truly.
I miss training with a company. Its been maybe 5 years since I've done any training. Theater-type training (performance-type training).
This brings up some very complicated feelings and realities.
The first thought that came to mind after the realization that I hadn't performed in so long was that maybe it's kind of silly to claim that I'm an actor. That it's kind of embarrassing when my husband refers to me as an actor. That the person who did that doesn't exist now, except in memory. And then the next thought was that I should fucking finally write that play for myself.
Before Christmas, a friend told me that she wishes my thesis were out of my life. That I needed to let it go before 2010 ended. For my sake. In the past week, I've been giving serious thought to quitting, giving up and forgetting about it. With one and a quarter chapters left to write and a rewrite on deck. I'm surprised by how tempting it is. And how little remorse I feel thinking about letting it go. Finishing or not, the outcome of either choice looks very similar to me, positionally. It will make very little difference in my life either way. And I'll have so much more time and room around my desk.
Which is not to say that I haven't learned anything. That the experience hasn't translated into anything useful for me. It's changed the way I experience theater and the way that I think about theater, so that's something. I think going in, I was hoping for something more tangible. Hoping I'd come out on the other side more employable, connected, and better situated career-wise. Ah, yes. That. This also brings up several complex feelings and realities.
It's a good thought experiment; to play with letting it go. To approach it with more distance and perspective. But quitting wouldn't be a good example for my kids. Especially my son, who's given up on school himself. Or maybe it wouldn't matter to them either. Maybe they'd dance through the house happy that they wouldn't have to share their Mommy with anyone or anything else. And what are we having for dinner now?
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